Gods next task

So, God and I had a fight.  Well, actually, I threw a fit because I wasn’t getting my way. Hey, I don’t think it’s really fair because God is supposed to know what we want and need and he knows very well I want and need a job.  He has let me feed him delicious doughnuts and cinnamon rolls and continued to leave all the work up to me.   I decided he was being a typical man.  He sits back and watches angels fly around, eating the food I serve, and letting me sweat, so I decided not to give him anything this week.  No coffee, no sweets. So there!!

And guess what?  I got my first job offer in six months.  Ha!  I think God decided he better “man up” if he expects free treats.

So, our little spat is over, but I’m sure we will have others because now that have a job in the fall, I have picked out his new task – finding me a suitable significant other.

So, look out single, available, straight men who are not living with their parents or in an insane asylum.  (I realize that still leaves a wide girth of men that will NOT be favorable.  But, I have to start somewhere.) God has armed a cupid or two (or probably a flying monkey) and is picking your name from a Goblet of Fire.

Let the comedy of dating begin… “May the odds be ever in your favor.”

 

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God, otherwise known as “The Comedian”

I have regular meetings with God.  I chat Him up at least three times a week.  I’m sure he would rather I wouldn’t. But, I like to think he stops watching Locked up Abroad long enough to pacify my rantings to him.

I talk to God like he is sitting in my living room. I put a cup of coffee out for him (with cream and three sugars) occasionally a Boston Creme doughnut (which I end up eating) and spill my guts.

Today I asked him to fix some shit.  My life that is. I mean, apparently I cannot manage to get my life in order without a nervous breakdown.

So His coffee and doughnut are sitting on the coffee table (two bites missing from the doughnut) and I’m laying on the floor with tears running down my face and hyper-ventilating with doughnut crumbs on my chin.

I explained to God that I didn’t ask for  managerial role. I don’t want to be responsible for a life (even if it is mine).  I want the job without any responsibilities. I would much rather be doing things like drinking Bailey’s Mint Irish Creme on a daily basis.

But, God gave me the job to manage my life. Without an instruction manual.  He’s a funny guy.  Then he threw me alone in the desert to teach. What the fuck, God?

So, here is the agenda I typed up for God to read over and come ready to answer at our next meeting. I don’t want any of those off the cuff clichés He uses at church like “Trust in me, I have a path for you to follow…”  ‘Cause I’m sure He does have a path for me, but I need to know where it is already. I got shit to do.

AGENDA – MAY 2013

STUFF FOR HIS GODLINESS TO GET DONE – ASAP – Amen.

1. Dude, I need a teaching job THIS Fall – 2013. In a school with children.   (If you aren’t specific with God, he will play tricks on you. Like he will give me a job, but it will not be until Fall of 2020 and it’ll be in a zoo shoveling monkey shit).

2. I need a job That pays enough money to help me go to Grad school AND save enough to buy a house AND travel AND buy popcorn at the movies. And remember I am a teacher, but will take a writing job, or the title “Queen of Everything”. (After re-reading number one I thought I better make sure he understands that I can be flexible.)

3. This being single crap has to end. I have kissed enough frogs, understand? And as for the men you have put on my path – I think you can do better. Don’t you have a Rolodex full of men that don’t feel the need to talk about the magic in their pants? Or delve out bacon in proposal attempts?  You’re funny God, but comedy hour is up.

CONCLUSION: Thank you for skipping your “shows” to listen to me.  Please do not get together with Satan and come up with anymore pranks until you get the above three requests completed.  Could you make a concerted effort to complete this no later than June 30th.  It would really help me out.  Like I said, I got shit to do – like find that damn path.  Very funny putting me in the desert.  Do you know how fucking hard it is to find a PATH in the desert?  Do you realize how much  damn sand YOU put out here? Yeesh!

P.S.  If you could get me a camel, Bailey’s, and Jolly Time White Popcorn kernels, I promise to leave you alone for a whole month and eat more vegetables.

Thanks a bunch.  You rock!  Amen and all that stuff we need to say so you know we’re serious Christians. 🙂 Peace.   Julie

I’ll keep you folks posted on what he comes up with.

Why am I single? You tell me.

This  is kinda a long story, so, either get something alcoholic ’cause it’s gonna be a bumpy ride or just move on to something easier like watching Keeping up with the Kardashians.

I was invited over to have a beer by this new teacher at my school who carpools with me and two other women.

He says I should come over for dinner and a glass of wine -“But don’t get any ideas, I’m not asking you on a date or anything.”

Ok, first of all, that’s totally insulting, Dude. I mean, why aren’t you asking ME on a date. Secondly, get over yourself, you self-centered ass; I didn’t think you were asking me out, even though you should because I’m totally awesome.

He tells me he has an interview for a tutoring job at 7pm, but he will text me when he’s finished and I can come over. “I mean, if you want. I don’t know what time you go to bed…” he says. Umm, dude, you never are going to know when I go to bed.

Anyway, at 8:15pm he called, but I didn’t answer. I think I deserve a better invitation. Preferably one with an awesome light show.  Besides, I wasn’t in the mood for dinner. And, it was a school night. Whatever that means when you’re a grown adult.

After I didn’t answer he texts me, “Are you alright?” And I’m like, “F@#§!” So, I lied and said I was on a Skype call. And he was all like “You can still come over if you want.” And I’m like, “What the F@#§? Take a hint, dude.” But I didn’t actually say that; I did the opposite of what I wanted and said, “Sorry, rain check?” Seriously folks, there is something wrong with my brain. But, then he says “OK, when?” Pushy little bastard… And I’m like, “How about Happy hour this weekend?” I mean at least I would be in public, right? I don’t know why I felt I needed witnesses, but, I guess you never know, huh? And maybe there would be an awesome light show. So, he says, “Sure, why not.”  So, now I am dreading the weekend.

The next morning he gets off the elevator with his bicycle. He is going to ride it to work, so he won’t be in the car with us.  (So, God does like me after all).  He says good morning to one of the women in the lobby then just looks at me and keeps heads out the door. Whatever, dude. At least I don’t have to ride in the car with him ’cause now I think things are awkward. But not ’cause of me. I mean he’s the one that doesn’t want to date me cause I’m awesome.

Well for the rest of the week he wasn’t in the car with us and I didn’t see him at school or around the apartment building. But I still dreaded the weekend. Then on the last day of the week I walked to the car by myself and guess who was already waiting in the passenger seat?  Him. Ugh.

When we got home, I jumped out of the car and pretended to go another direction so I wouldn’t have to ride in the elevator, get insulted with a bad dinner invitation (without an awesome light show) and have to lie about my plans for the evening. So, after five minutes of wandering around my apartment building in the sweltering heat, I sneaked back into the building, onto the elevator, and into my apartment. SAFE! Score: Julie 2. Him 0.

At 7:15pm I got a text from him. “What are you up to?”

F@#§! I panicked and hid my phone under the sofa cushions. I guess I thought if I can’t see my phone he would think I wasn’t home. Then I ran into the bathroom and closed the door and hid in there for 20 minutes.  When I thought it was safe I came out of the bathroom and dug my phone out from under the sofa cushion.  His message was still there.  I guess I better grow up.   So, I sent him a message saying, “Hey there. I just finished working out.” OK, so growing up doesn’t mean I can’t lie.  I mean, what was I supposed to say,  “Hey there. Sorry for the delay in responding, but I hid my phone under the sofa and hid in the bathroom for 20 minutes so you would think I wasn’t home.”

Well, I guess I could have said that, but I don’t want him to think I’m crazy; that’s none of his business.  So, he replies with “Wow. I didn’t think you had any energy left to work out.” And I’m like, “What the f@#§ is that supposed to mean?” Only I didn’t say that. But I totally wanted to. Since he wasn’t asking me for a drink, and that’s good, so I could say something casual. So, I said, “I didn’t. haha” I don’t know what that means either, folks. But, it seemed to appease him because I didn’t get a reply.

Only I did get a reply. It just took a while. “You can come over for a beer if you want.” And then I was telling myself,  “Why not?” and then I answered myself, “Because you don’t want to be alone with some dude from England who doesn’t want to date you, even though you are AWESOME and even if you don’t want to date him and think he’s a moron and going to say more stupid sh*% that will piss you off, and he still didn’t produce an awesome light show.” And then I was like, “But, it’s free beer.” And then I answered myself and was like “Yeah, it’s free beer.” So, I asked for his apartment number and went down for some free beer.

But as you ladies know, it’s never a free beer if you are meeting the guy alone in his apartment, unless it’s your brother or cousin or some family sh*% like that. But this guy is nowhere near as cool as my brother.

I knocked on his door and was about to turn and make a run for it back to the elevator when he opened the door. He was wearing a polo shirt (with the collar up) and running shorts.

Anyway, he showed me around his apartment and went to the family sized refrigerator that was next to the sofa and grabbed two Carlsburgs. I sat on the end of the L shaped sofa and he sat on the opposite side.

Me: “So, how did you manage to acquire beer and wine?”

Him: “Someone gave it to me.” I give my beer a questioning look.

Me: “Someone? Just gave you beer?”

Him: “Yeah. And bacon too.”

Me: “You have bacon? I love bacon. But I hate that we need a license to buy it here.”

Him. “Yeah. Lots of it. You need a license?” He opened his freezer and looked in. I assumed staring at the frozen meat and wondering if it’s “licensed.”

Me: “Yeah.” I sipped my beer thinking how jealous I was that he has been here a week and people were giving him liquor and pork products.

Me: “Wow. No one was that nice to me when I moved here.”

Him: “Why not?”

Seriously? Was he seriously asking me why people were not giving me beer and pork? Because normal people don’t do weird sh*% like that, dude.

Me: “I don’t know.”

Him: “Hmmm. So, you worked out?”

Me: “Yes.”

Him: “Why?”

Me: “I want to stay thin.”

He gives me a strange look.

Him: “I don’t think you’re thin. I mean you’re attractive and everything but you’re not thin. It’s nice to see a girl with curves on her body.” He takes a sip of his beer and looks me up and down. “Sit back on the sofa. You look uncomfortable. Don’t worry I wont look at your ass or anything.”

My skin crawled and then I got pissed. What the F@#§? Is he calling me fat? And what does he mean “attractive and everything?  I thought, “Throw your beer at him and leave.” But then I was like, “Finish you beer. You are not going to waste a whole can of beer.”  So, I sat there in stunned silence, sipping my beer.

Him: “So why are you single?” I hate that question because I don’t know why.  I mean I’m quite certain it’s because I’m too awesome and that intimidates men.

Him: “I don’t want to scare you or anything but I’m in the market for a wife.” I could hardly swallow my next sip of beer. I was like, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, DUDE? Yeah, that scares the ever-loving sh*% out of me.” But I didn’t actually say that cause I was looking around his apartment for the deep well he was going to throw me into with bottle of lotion.

Me: “Oh.”

Him: “Yeah, I am. I am a good catch. I’m 47 years old. I have a good job. I’m a nice guy. I don’t know why I’m single…” He looks at me like I am supposed to have a response.  I just take a big gulp from my beer can. He gets up, opens the freezer door, reaches in and pulls out a half pound of frozen bacon, and tosses it to me. “Here. Take this. You love bacon. I have a lot of it. See, I’m a nice guy.”

Yeah, a real man of the year, I thought. Now, I’m not sure if he was proposing with the bacon or not, but if he was, I would have to think about it. Bacon, bacon, bacon. I could always divorce him when he runs out of bacon.

Him: “So, why do you think that England and the United States think they have the right to invade other countries?”

Now folks, I do not have a mind for politics. I hate discussing anything political because people have very strong opinions and I usually disagree or don’t care. Don’t judge me. It is what it is.

Me: “I don’t know.” I mumble and sip my beer and shake the can. It’s empty.

He gets up and fishes another beer out of the refrigerator, cracks it open and hands it to me. I take another giant guzzle.

Him:”No, tell me. I want your opinion.” ”

No you don’t.

Me: “Yes, I think they have the right if the people of those countries are at risk.”

Him: “What people?”

Me: “The citizens of the country we invade.”

He is now on his third beer.

Him: “They didn’t ask us to invade their country.”

Me: “What country are we speaking of?”

Him: “Any country.”

I’m getting confused.

Me: “Oh. Then I don’t know.”

Him: “But there are no weapons of mass destruction. We don’t have the right to be in Iraq.”

It’s not that I don’t care about world affairs, it’s that it is most political situations (especially involving war) are much more complicated than my brain can comprehend and I prefer to talk about the color of JLo’s dress for the Grammy Awards.

Me: “I don’t know. Maybe.”

Him: “What? You didn’t know that we went to war because there were rumors about weapons of mass destruction? I mean, it was in the papers!”

Now, those of you that know me, if I feel attacked, my temper will flare. I could feel the heat boiling in my gut or maybe it was because I guzzled another half can of beer in less than five minutes.

Me: “What are you saying? That I’m an idiot?”

Him: “I didn’t call you an idiot. You need to stop, think and listen to me. The poppy-seed market is destroyed. We invaded a country for no reason and now the poppy-seed market has plummeted.”

I had no idea what the f@#§ he was talking about. But my bitchy girl brain was too close to practicing her new P90X Kempo karate moves on his face.

Me: “Thank you. I can’t do this,” I put my flip-flops on grabbed the now defrosted bacon and walked towards the door. “Really, thank you. But I need to go now.” I rush to open the door.

Him: “Enjoy the bacon.”

Me: “Yep. Will do.”

So, why am I single? Perhaps it’s because I don’t know what going on with the poppy-seed market.

The bacon was delicious by the way.