So, I’m chatting up God and he’s all ignoring me again. Total B.S.. Men!
I got down on my knees next to my bed and put my hands together and said “Dear God. Heeeelllllooooo. Eh-ehm!! God are you listening to me?” I looked up at the ceiling.
I closed my eyes and said “God, I need to talk to you. I have an interview tomorrow and I need you to give me all the right answers so I can leave the freakin’ desert you dropped me in. Remember? I asked for a new exciting life two years ago and you sent me to the Middle East. You’re a real crack up, God.”
Then, I remembered I didn’t make his coffee or leave his donut. I made two cups of coffee (one for each of us), put two Dunkin’ Donut donuts on a plate (one with a big bite out of it. Don’t judge me, I’m stressed). And started chattin’ again.
“OK, God. Got your goodies set out here. See? Listen, I need you to take care of some things for me, Dude. I need help with the interview questions and I need you to make one of the interviewers tell me that I’m exactly what they’ve been looking for and then ask me when can I start. You can arrange that, right? You can make them do what ever you want. You can “influence” the little people. Tell them you’ll “protect” them if they do this little favor for you (me). Thank you your Awesomeness. Amen.” I looked back at the ceiling.
No response. Is there a game on?
I ate one of the donuts and started crying. Basically because I’m totally mega stressed over not have a decent job lined up for next fall, but more so because I wanted Gods donut too, but was afraid to eat it because He might not make those schools tell me I’m the best thing that will ever happen to them.
Awww, f@&% it. I took a bite of the donut. And I kid you not, my e-mail “blipped” and it was one of the schools telling me that they have to cancel because they’ve already hired someone – their “dream come true.” Well, they didn’t actually say that part but I knew they were thinking it.
“Oh, you’re a really funny guy, God. This because I chomped on your donut, isn’t it? Well, fine…” God couldn’t hear the rest of my words because I grabbed that other donut and I shoved the whole thing into my mouth, bawling like a baby.
I told a friend of mine about my little temper tantrum and stealing Gods donut. She was like, “Julie, God isn’t Santa Clause. You can’t leave Him treats, expect Him to eat them, and then leave you a gift of your request.” And I was like, “Ummm, of course not. I totally know that Santa and God are different. Santa is all flashy in his red suit and braggin’ about the presents he leaves under a flashy tree and shoving trinkets into an old sock hanging on the fireplace. God, is slick. He does it magically like David Copperfield or a leprechaun or the Mob.” Uh oh.
I don’t want God to put a mob hit on me or make me magically disappear. Cement shoes aren’t a good look on me. So, I ran right to Dunkin Donuts and bought two Boston Cremes. God digs Boston Cremes. I know if I was God I would dig Boston Cremes. I don’t really think God would knock me off for eating a donut, but you never know, right? Better safe than sorry. Now they are sitting on a plate and I am going to pray next to them every day until my job interviews are over. Hopefully the donuts will not get any of my teeth marks in them. Or nose prints. It happens sometimes.
I have interviews with schools in Czech Republic, Germany, Mexico, China, and Panama. I’ll let you know if God pulls one “outta the hat” for me or quietly slips a horse head in my bed. Ewww.