I have regular meetings with God. I chat Him up at least three times a week. I’m sure he would rather I wouldn’t. But, I like to think he stops watching Locked up Abroad long enough to pacify my rantings to him.
I talk to God like he is sitting in my living room. I put a cup of coffee out for him (with cream and three sugars) occasionally a Boston Creme doughnut (which I end up eating) and spill my guts.
Today I asked him to fix some shit. My life that is. I mean, apparently I cannot manage to get my life in order without a nervous breakdown.
So His coffee and doughnut are sitting on the coffee table (two bites missing from the doughnut) and I’m laying on the floor with tears running down my face and hyper-ventilating with doughnut crumbs on my chin.
I explained to God that I didn’t ask for managerial role. I don’t want to be responsible for a life (even if it is mine). I want the job without any responsibilities. I would much rather be doing things like drinking Bailey’s Mint Irish Creme on a daily basis.
But, God gave me the job to manage my life. Without an instruction manual. He’s a funny guy. Then he threw me alone in the desert to teach. What the fuck, God?
So, here is the agenda I typed up for God to read over and come ready to answer at our next meeting. I don’t want any of those off the cuff clichés He uses at church like “Trust in me, I have a path for you to follow…” ‘Cause I’m sure He does have a path for me, but I need to know where it is already. I got shit to do.
AGENDA – MAY 2013
STUFF FOR HIS GODLINESS TO GET DONE – ASAP – Amen.
1. Dude, I need a teaching job THIS Fall – 2013. In a school with children. (If you aren’t specific with God, he will play tricks on you. Like he will give me a job, but it will not be until Fall of 2020 and it’ll be in a zoo shoveling monkey shit).
2. I need a job That pays enough money to help me go to Grad school AND save enough to buy a house AND travel AND buy popcorn at the movies. And remember I am a teacher, but will take a writing job, or the title “Queen of Everything”. (After re-reading number one I thought I better make sure he understands that I can be flexible.)
3. This being single crap has to end. I have kissed enough frogs, understand? And as for the men you have put on my path – I think you can do better. Don’t you have a Rolodex full of men that don’t feel the need to talk about the magic in their pants? Or delve out bacon in proposal attempts? You’re funny God, but comedy hour is up.
CONCLUSION: Thank you for skipping your “shows” to listen to me. Please do not get together with Satan and come up with anymore pranks until you get the above three requests completed. Could you make a concerted effort to complete this no later than June 30th. It would really help me out. Like I said, I got shit to do – like find that damn path. Very funny putting me in the desert. Do you know how fucking hard it is to find a PATH in the desert? Do you realize how much damn sand YOU put out here? Yeesh!
P.S. If you could get me a camel, Bailey’s, and Jolly Time White Popcorn kernels, I promise to leave you alone for a whole month and eat more vegetables.
Thanks a bunch. You rock! Amen and all that stuff we need to say so you know we’re serious Christians. 🙂 Peace. Julie
I’ll keep you folks posted on what he comes up with.